[Scene opens on a greyscale shot of the Fanlair on a rainy night. The doorbell is ringing]
[Shifts inside, Fanboy is walking down the stairs]
Fanboy: Ugh. Alright, I'm coming. [trips down the stairs] Did not realize my legs were still asleep.
[He reaches up and opens the door. There is a coffin at the door, thunder strikes]
Fanboy: A coffin? Well, that's strange. Hm, no card.
[The coffin falls over him and lands on the ground. Fanboy opens it and waves away the foam revealing a coffin Fanboy]
Fanboy: Aw, I already have one of these.
[Coffin Fanboy suddenly sits up; its head turns around to face Fanboy. Close up of Coffin Fanboy; its eyes are closed at first, but then they open, and he hisses evilly as thunder strikes]
[Scene shifts to Fanboy's bed, now in color. Fanboy immediately sits up and screams loudly, then begins chattering in fear. Chum Chum walks by]
Chum Chum: [yawns] Morning, Fanboy.
Fanboy: Chum Chum! I had the craziest dream!
Chum Chum: The one where you stand in front of a crowd without your underwear?
Fanboy: No! I dreamt I was bit by a vamp-- wait a minute! Chum Chum, what is this on my neck?!
[Chum Chum looks at Fanboy's neck]
Chum Chum:: Hmm. Looks like a mosquito bite.
Fanboy: Or a vampire bite!
Chum Chum: What?
Fanboy: Think about it! It was a hot, muggy night. We slept with the window open.And now, I have a bump on my neck that's swollen and itchy! Does THAT sound like a mosquito bite to you? Yes, yes! I can already feel my vampire blood coursing through my veins!
Chum Chum: Can I be your slightly deranged bug eating sidekick?
Fanboy: How's your creepy giggle?
[Chum Chum does a creepy giggle]
Fanboy: Hmm, not bad. Welcome aboard!
[Fanboy and Chum Chum try to fist bump but accidentally bump their heads]
[Later at the park. Michael is seen in the distance dancing and Nancy and Yo are swinging as they laugh. Kyle is walking by]
Kyle: Remind me that I have to stop by Wizard Co. I need to go and get some wand polish, then I have to go and get --
[Fanboy is hanging upside down from the monkey bars]
Kyle: What are you' doing?
Fanboy: Uh, sleeping? It's vhat ve vampires do during the day.
Kyle: You're a vampire? What do they call you? Count Dorkula? [laughs]
[Chum Chum gets on Scrivener Elf's back]
Chum Chum: [giggles] May I introduce you to my vampire master. [hops over to Fanboy] COUNT FANGBOY!
Fanboy: Good evening. [falls off monkey bars] Whoops! Balance is off! I flew over here and my ears haven't popped yet.
[Fanboy runs as Chum Chum crawls around]
Kyle: You. Are not. A vampire. If you were, the sunlight would destroy you.
[Fanboy stops running]
Fanboy: Sunlight! It's touching my vampire skin! IT BURNS! IT BURNS! [Chum Chum sits on Kyle’s head] TODAY WAS SUPPOSED TO BE OVERCAST! Curse you, Channel 5 Weather Center! You've turned me to duuuuust.
[Chum Chum looks at Fanboy with an enthusiastic look]
Kyle: You're NOT a vampire! And thank goodness. The very thought of immortal Fanboy is almost too much to bear.
Fanboy: Immortal! Ooh, I like the sound of that. I just wish I knew what it meant.
Kyle: [sighs] It means that you live forever. [off-screen] Read a book sometime, why don't you?
[Kyle throws a book in Fanboy's face]
Kyle: [off-screen] Scrivener Elf walk with me.
Fanboy: Wow! I'm going to live forever? Cool!
[Chum Chum looks at Fanboy and begins crying. He runs off-screen]
Fanboy: Chum Chum?
[Fanboy sneaks over to Chum Chum. Chum Chum is sitting on one of swings as he cries quietly]
Fanboy: Chum Chum, what's the matter?
Chum Chum: You're. Gonna. Live. Forever. Without me. And you don’t even, CARE!!!
[sobs]
Fanboy: What? I never thought of that! I don't wanna live forever if my best friend won't be with me! Oh, man, this has totally harshed my vampire mellow.
Chum Chum: It's killing my assistant buzz too.
Fanboy: Wait a minute! I've got it! What if I bite your neck, and then you'd become a vampire too, and we'd both live forever together.
Chum Chum: You'd do that for me?
Fanboy: Of course, buddy. [tries to bite him but stops] Huh? Uh, Chum Chum. [picks him up] Am I missing something or are you missing something? Where's your neck?
Chum Chum: I always figured it would grow in during high school. Now we can't be immortal together because I'M A NECK-LESS FREAK! [sobs as he stomps his hands to the ground. Fanboy grabs him and rubs the back of his head]
Fanboy: Don't you worry, buddy, because we are going to get you a neck!
[The scene transitions to evening as it is raining]
Fanboy: Certified Neck Specialist. Evenings only, walk-ins welcome. Chum Chum, I have a good feeling about this.
[They open the door to hear creepy music as they hug each other in fear. The man is seen playing the music on a piano]
Man: Good evening!
[Fanboy and Chum Chum lick lollipops. They look at the man and suddenly stop licking the lollipops. They put the lollipops back]
Man: I did not hear you come in. I gave my assistant Janice the night off. I am...DR. ACULA!
Fanboy: It says "Count Dr. Acula" on this diploma.
Dr. Acula: Oh, yes. I minored in accounting. [he raises his eyebrows as Fanboy and Chum Chum look at each other in confusion] Now, what can I do for you, my children of the night?
Fanboy: Okay. I know this is going to sound a little crazy but here goes. I am a vampire.
Dr. Acula: [spits his drink out] A vampire?
Fanboy: Please don't be frightened. You are in no danger. But you might want to wear this garlic necklace. [gives out garlic necklace]
Dr. Acula: AGH! I mean that is very shocking. But I am sure you couldn't possibly hurt me. You seem like a very nice vampire.
Chum Chum: So nice that he wants to bite me and make me his immortal companion! But first, I need a neck.
Dr. Acula: Oh, how adorable. You want a neck so you can be bitten by a vampire! I think I can help you with that.
[He brings out an operating table. Chum Chum gets on it and lays down]
Dr. Acula: Now, you might feel a little pressure. Hold still while I work.
[He begins operating on Chum Chum. Later Chum Chum's eyes are covered with bandages. Dr. Acula removes the bandages]
Chum Chum: How does it look? [He shown with a very long neck]
Dr. Acula: It's HUGE! Like a giraffe!
[He attempts to bite Chum Chum's only to bite onto the chair instead]
Fanboy: It's so slender! You did some fine work, Doc!
Dr. Acula: Thank you.
Fanboy: [to Chum Chum] Ooh! Ooh! Have you tried swallowing yet? Here, eat this! Eat this! [gives Chum Chum an apple]
[Chum Chum tries to eat it but his arms can’t reach his mouth]
Chum Chum: My arms don't reach my mouth anymore, but I don't care. Ooh, I have a neck!
Fanboy: Now it's my vampire duty to bite it and make you immortal.
Dr. Acula: [blocks Fanboy from biting] Don't touch him! He's mine! I mean, would you mind filling out some paperwork?
[Later Chum Chum is filling out paperwork]
Dr. Acula: Sign your name here.
[Chum Chum writes down his name on the paper. Fanboy brings in a sunlamp]
Fanboy: Here's a sunlamp! [to Chum Chum] Now, you won't have those tan lines on your new neck.
[Fanboy and Chum Chum see that Dr. Acula is now bacon]
Dr. Acula: Could you hand me that aloe vera? [he turns back into his normal self, to see a clock almost at 6:30] Wait, it's almost sunrise! [to Chum Chum] And now to make you my eternal immortal companion forever! Till the end of time.
[Fanboy blocks Dr. Acula]
Dr. Acula: No! [Fanboy tries biting Chum Chum’s neck while Chum Chum giggles] Okay, you've had your fun. We don't want to bruise that neck now, huh? [Fanboy continues to try to bite Chum Chum's neck] Ah, enough of this! Now I will show you how to bite a neck!
Fanboy: Uh, okay. And how would you know?
Dr. Acula: You fools! I AM A VAMPIRE! [to Chum Chum] And you are my next victim. [He heads to bite Chum Chum only to bite Fanboy instead]
Fanboy: If anyone is gonna snack on my best friend, it's going to be ME!"
Dr. Acula: Ah! Wait a minute. That taste. Why is it so familiar? Could I have bitten you before?
Fanboy: Nope! The vampire who bit me only had one fang. [shows his tooth] See?
Dr. Acula: You're right, I did not make that bite. A mosquito did.
Fanboy: Really? Huh.
Dr. Acula: You idiot! I MADE THIS BITE!
[Zoom in to see the bite Dr. Acula made on Fanboy's neck]
Fanboy: Wow. Do not know how I missed that.
Dr. Acula: It made me goofy-headed all day. All I wanted to do was play video games and drink the Frosty Freezy Freeze. And I couldn't stop passing gas.
Fanboy: [farts] Sorry, I missed that last part.
Dr. Acula: Now that I bit him again his idiot blood dulled into his brain. [turns into a bat] I've got to get to my coffin while I still can. [he flies out the window into the sunlight] Ah! the morning sun! It's destroying me! [falls to the ground] Tell Janice to cancel my 3 o'clo---! [turns into dust]
Chum Chum: I guess that explains his subscription to Batty homes and Guano.
[Chum Chum looks at Fanboy to see that he has transformed into a vampire]
Fanboy: That second bite really gave me a headache!
Chum Chum: You need to take two bites, and call me in the morning. [laughs, he suddenly when he sees Fanboy about to bite him] Is this gonna hurt?
[Fanboy bites him off-screen. The scene switches to late at night at the Frosty Mart. The duo now as vampires come in and see Boog]
Boog: Haven't seen you two twerps here for days.
Fanboy: Yes, ve're more night people now. [to Chum Chum] Isn't that right, my immortal companion?
Chum Chum: Right, Fangboy!"
[Fanboy and Chum Chum try to fist bump but accidentally bump their heads. They begin to try and bite Boog's neck]
Boog: [screams]
[The scene changes to a blank screen as the duo bites Boog off-screen]
| Previous: "Precious Pig" |
Transcripts | Next: "Monster in the Mist" |