[Scene opens up at school]
Hank: So Columbus took the Nina-- [pounding sound] GEE-- And the pinta-- [pounding] AND THE-- [pounding] Sweet Santa maria, what's going on?
Precious: [grunting and squealing] [He digs in Nancy’s desk. He then goes into Cheech’s desk as Nancy watches in shock]
Hank: Why did I let that door-to-door pig salesman talk me into buying a potbellied pig?
Fanboy: Come here, Precious. We've got old tomatoes.
Chum Chum: And spoiled milk. [pig snorts]
Hank: Attention, class. One of you lucky students will get to take home our beloved class pet pig, precious. [farting noise] UGH. Any takers?
Fanboy and Chum Chum: OOH, OOH. Mr. Mufflin? Mr. Mufflin?
Hank: Sold to the two weird kids in back.
Fanboy and Chum Chum: YAY!
Precious: [snorting]
[At the Fanlair]
Fanboy: Okay, it's rolling. Bring him in. [comes in with camera] [grunting] Okay, this is Precious' first day in his new—-
Precious: [squeals] [punches the camera out of Fanboy’s hands]
Fanboy: Is it broken? I don't think it--whoa. Okay, we're gonna try that again with nobody making any sudden moves. Okay, Precious, come on in. [Chum Chum pulls down a bucket with Precious in it] Welcome to your new home.
Chum Chum: Ha-ha, he likes it. He likes it.
Fanboy: Here, Chum Chum, take the camera. [Chum Chum takes the camera and has it pointing at Fanboy’s legs] Up here, Chum Chum. So let me show you around your room. Sorry it's so clean. You have your very own crib. And look, it's got its own little mobile. And over here we have-- whoa! [he slips]
Chum Chum: Ooh-ooh. I think Precious made boom boom.
Precious: [snorting]
Chum Chum: Ooh, somebody was hungry.
Precious: [belches loudly] [He snuggles on Chum Chum's stomach]
[Chum Chum pets Precious' head]
Fanboy: Oh, good, is he fed? We don't want him to train on an empty stomach.
Chum Chum: Train? for what?
Precious: [He snuggles on Chum Chum's lap]
Fanboy: Tricks. I'm gonna teach him tricks.
Chum Chum: I don't know if that's such a good idea, Fanboy. Remember those other class pets you tried to teach tricks? Like the chipmunk? [Flashback to that time]
Fanboy: [blindfolded, holding a bow] Okay, just like rehearsal.
[The chipmunk gives a rather intimidating look, along with a horror sting to match. Back to reality]
Fanboy: Oh, that chipmunk was just being dramatic. Anyway, it's not my fault. None of those pets had the eye of the tiger.
Chum Chum: Neither did the class tiger after you were done.
Fanboy: What about the class bear cub? I taught him how to pick locks.
Chum Chum: Yeah, and he broke out of his cage, and we never saw sprinkles again. Poor little bear. I just don't want anything bad to happen to precious. He's like a delicate flower.
Precious: [squealing]
Chum Chum: [gasps] My delicate flowers!
[Precious eats them]
Fanboy: Don't worry. I'll watch Precious while you take these to the emergency flower doctor.
Chum Chum: Aw, thanks, Fanboy. You're such a good--
[Fanboy shuts the door]
Fanboy: Bye, now. My little Precious, how would you like to be an internet sensation? [The scene briefly changes to a computer with a video with Precious in it. He stares and blinks at the camera. The scene changes back to the Fanlair.] We just have to discover your hidden talent. We'll start with something simple: Balancing things on your nose.
Precious: [He eats the chair] [chomping sounds] [belches]
Fanboy: Okay, maybe balancing's not your thing. How about juggling? ♪♪ Da-da da-da-da-da da da da ♪♪
Precious: [eats the cones] [chomping sounds] [farting]
Fanboy: Okay, you're not a circus pig. Not in the blood. Maybe you're the pig who can eat anything.
Precious: [eats a fly] [snorting] [choking sounds]
Fanboy: Okay, stay calm, Precious.
Precious: [coughing and squealing] [kicks Fanboy]
Fanboy: Ah! Ah, that's it. Your talent is karate. Mmm. You have done well thus far, my most promising student. But let us see how you do with the flying Fanboy surprise. [grunting and punching]
Precious: [grunting]
Fanboy: Ah, the challenge has been accepted. Ha-la-la-la-la-la-la.
Precious: [snorting] [intermittent shouting and snorting]
[Chum Chum comes back with Hank, Nancy, Lupe, Cher and Micheal]
Chum Chum: I'm back.
Chum Chum, Hank, Nancy, Lupe, Cher and Micheal: [gasping in horror]
Chum Chum: Fanboy, what are you doing?
Fanboy: Uh, kung fu. Chop?
Nancy: He was gonna bash Precious on the head!
Fanboy: Yes, I was. But it's not what you think. I have been teaching him karate all day. He's really good. Show 'em, Precious. [Precious farts and a metallic appears] [metallic clanging] [metallic pops Hank’s balloon]
Hank: [gasps]
Fanboy: You see that accuracy? He wasn't even looking.
Nancy: Don't listen to him, Mr. Mufflin. He's the one who hurts all our class pets.
Lupe: The turtle, he still wake up screaming. [Shows turtle]
Turtle: Ah! ah-ah! aaaaahhhh!
Fanboy: But I would never hurt
Precious.
Hank: That's Precious? I love that pig. Who let you have him? [The kids stare at him] Come here, Precious. Come to mufflie.
Fanboy: Oh. No, don't take him. Please. I love Precious and Precious loves me.
Hank: You don’t know the first thing about piggy love. [at Precious] Does he, you little hoggy woggy woo woo? [At Fanboy] I'll deal with you in class tomorrow.
Chum Chum: Mr. Mufflin, wait! Um, if you want to know the truth, I didn't really get my full time with the pig. Can I take home the class parakeet? [He and Hank leave] [mechanical whirring]
Nancy, Lupe, Michael and Cher: [they stare angrily at Fanboy] HMM. [lips buzzing] [They leave]
Fanboy: But he can do karate. Why won't anyone believe me? Why? [The next day at school]
Precious: [snorting]
Hank: The only punishment I could find for a student who willfully intended harm upon pig was in ye olde teacher's manual, copyright 1620. [open the manual book and wears a judge's hat and wig] Hear ye, hear ye. Any person who harmeth a noble swine shall be punish by shunning.
[The students stare at Fanboy angrily]
Fanboy: [gasps] SHUNNING?
Hank: [gavel pounding] - That'll stop ye before you harm a pig.
[The students turn their desks and angrily close their eyes]
[Fanboy walks sadly]
Cheech: Hmph! [closes his eyes]
Cher: Hmph! [puts a book in her face]
Chum Chum: Fanboy, are you gonna be okay?
Fanboy: Yeah, I'll be fine.
Hank: I don’t hear any shunning!
Chum Chum: [To Fanboy] Sorry. [He turns his desks upside down]
Fanboy: Mmm.
[Fanboy walks to his desk]
Hank: Not there! In the Shunning Cave!
[Camera zooms to a dark cave in the back of the room. Lupe, Kyle, Cher, Francine and Yo stare at it.]
Fanboy: Aw. Everyones mad with me.
Kyle: [blows raspberry]
Fanboy: Hey, Kyle. [sighs]
[Fanboy walks to the outside of the shunning cave. Kyle slowly shakes his head at him]
Hank: Deeper!
[Fanboy walks deeper into the cave]
[Time passes...]
Fanboy: [sighs] [ragtime piano music]
Hank: ♪♪ Do do do, piggy piggy piggy ♪♪
♪♪ do do do, piggy piggy piggy ♪♪ ♪♪ do do do, piggy piggy piggy ♪♪ [the students dance with Precious]
Fanboy: [in a menacing tone of voice] it was our Precious, and they stoles it. We wants it back. We wants our precious. [in an innocent tone] But we're not allowed to touch precious. [menacing] We wants it, and we must takes it now. [innocent] Right, but we only have five minutes left in our shunning. Wouldn't it be better to just wait -- [menacing] We wants it now!
[he begins to crawl on the ceiling]
Fanboy: [grunting] They stole it from us, sneaky little pig stealers. Wicked, tricksy, false.
Duke: Cave-dwelling pig hater.
Fanboy: Hey, Duke. Pig stealer. [pig snorting]
Hank: Yes, you do. You want some more chalk? Daddy get you more chalky chalky.
[grunting] Hey, what’s the watermelon doing on my lap?-- - wah-ha-ha-ha-ah. Precious.
Fanboy: Precious is ours. [coughs] Yes, Precious is mine. [tires skidding] [engines revving]
Hank: Somebody took my pig. After that villain. [The students use their desks to get to Fanboy] [engines revving]
Chum Chum: Fanboy, let me come. I promise I won't shun you anymore.
Fanboy: [pig squealing] - They'll never find us in here, precious. I know every inch of this cave. Whoa, [Hank and the students appear next to him] how did you--
Hank: We came in the fire exit.
Chum Chum: [coming out of the fire exit] Elevator's out.
Hank: Okay, pig napper, hand over the pig before it gets hurt.
Fanboy: [whimpering] MMM. Why can't you people understand? I would never do anything to put precious in harm's-- [Sprinkles as a full grown bear appears and roars] --way?
Chum Chum: Sprinkles. Wow, you've grown.
Sprinkles: [roaring]
Kids and Hank: [screaming]
Fanboy: Easy, Sprinkles.
Sprinkles: [thumping and growling]
Hank: Congratulations. You've graduated from endangering animals to endangering people.
Sprinkles: [slurping] [roars]
Hank: Pig's yours now. health and happiness.
Fanboy: Here, Chum Chum, hold Precious. I need to try to get through to Sprinkles. [Chum Chum uses an umbrella to float down safely while holding Precious] Hey, sprinkles. remember me? Fanboy. Yeah, you remember. We used to-- [Gets hit] ah!
Precious: [squeals] [gets out of Chum Chum’s hands]
Chum Chum: [worried] Precious!
Sprinkles: [grunts]
Precious: [spueals]
Kids and Hank: AH...
Sprinkles: [roars] [grunting and punching] [rapid punching] [grunts] [growls]
Precious: [squeals] Hee-yah! [farting]
Sprinkles: [grunts] [whimpering] [leaves]
Duke/Nancy/Lupe/Francine/Chuggy/Hank: AWWW.
Hank: You really did teach that pig karate. And you kids shunned him for it. Detention for all of you.
Duke/Nancy/Lupe/Francine/Chuggy: AWWW.
Chum Chum: Wow, Precious. You sure laid the smack down on Sprinkles.
Fanboy: And now, Precious, you're training is complete. It is my honor to bestow upon you-- [slurping sounds] [farting]
Chum Chum: I guess Precious just made brown belt. [Precious smiles]
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